Posted in Mythology

The one where Thor nearly married an Ogre – Part II

Part I can be found here

The following day the gods of Asgard gathered in the main hall, all but Freya, who had chosen to spend the day with her cats, and they discussed all the options they had before them. The morning passed, the afternoon drifted by and as evening fell, all those present had presented an idea. Thor was restless, Loki was exhausted by the idiocy surrounding him, and everyone else had run out of ideas.

It was as the evening meal was brought to them that Odin cleared his throat and looked down the table to where Heimdall sat. “You are the only one of us to have not spoken” The All-Father observed. “Do you, Heimdall, watchman of the Gods, guard of Bifrost have nothing to add?” 

“I have an idea” He said softly “though it is not one Thor would dain to consider, so I do not see the wisdom of sharing such a thought.”

A smile spread across Thor’s lips. “I will consider anything to get my hammer back, Heimdall, who is farseeing, no matter how much I dislike the plan! Everyone has said their idea, now come on, it can’t be that bad” 

“You won’t like it, and you will not want to use such a plan either” Heimdall protested, though his voice remained calm and even.

“I will order you to speak if necessary” Odin interjected.

“Very well” Heimdall finally conceded. “But do not be shocked when Thor says it will not happen.” He pushed himself to his feet and took a step back from the table, looking to Thor and Loki. “Thrym wants to marry Freya” He said, and Loki nodded in confirmation. “But Thrym has never met Freya, so any of us would be able to dress in a bridal gown, with a bridal vail and take her place.”

Thor grinned and as his eyes scanned over the other Goddess’ present, he didn’t see Heimdall’s gaze settle on him.

Heimdall continued. “In that case, I propose that we dress Thor in a bridal gown and veil, with rings on his fingers and gems in his hair. I propose he wear the necklace of the Brisings and travel to the halls of Thrym, where he will pretend to be Freya. Once the wedding feast ends, and before the ceremony takes place, gifts will be exchanged and once Thor is given Mjolnir, he can do what is necessary to remove himself from the situation.”

“That is a brilliant idea!” Loki chuckled.

“That is a terrible idea.” Thor cried. “I will not allow it to happen”

“This is a fine idea” Odin echoed Loki’s sentiment. “Ladies, please go fetch a gown and veil, and rings and bells as a woman would wear on her wedding day, and Frigg, please get the Necklace of the Brisings from Freya”

As the ladies disappeared, Thor continued his protests. “But I will have to shave my legs, and my beard, not my beard! And what if he tries to touch me, or kiss me, and how am I going to pass as a girl? Father, tell them it will not work” he pleaded with his father.

“My orders have been given” Was all Odin said. 

***

The days and nights went by, a dress was tailored to fit Thor, a veil was made to cover his face and beard, but still allowed him to see, and as the final hours ticked by, rings were put on his fingers and bells adorned his clothing. Finally, Loki placed Freya’s bridal crown upon Thor’s head. 

“I will travel with you” Loki said as he changed his form to appear as a maid servant to the Goddess she traveled with. The maid servant then held a hand to Thor and helped him into his chariot, pulled by the goats Nasher and Grinder. Loki took the reins and sat beside him and off they went into the sunset.

After a while of sulking, Thor looked to the maid servant beside him that was Loki. “Are you sure this is going to work?”

“I’m sure it will work,” She said in response. “All you have to do is make it through the feast and then we get the hammer and we can go home.”

“But he will want me to sit next to him!”

“That is the tradition, yes”

“But what if he touches me, he will know!

Loki sighed. “I will sit between you, explain that it is our custom, I’m sure he will understand. Just stay quiet and leave the talking to me, everything will be fine.” 

***

They could hear the preparations for the wedding before they could see the hall, shouts of ‘clean up this mess’ and ‘make sure that’s covered, Freya won’t want to see that!’ echoing across the landscape. Thor looked to his maid servant and clasped her arm. “I do not like this…” He said, looking towards the hall as it came into view.

“Just remember what I said,” She, who was Loki, replied. “Leave the talking to me and everything will be just fine. Relax, and enjoy your wedding night” Loki couldn’t help but chuckle as a shudder ran down Thor’s spine.

“That is not helping, Loki” He hissed as Nasher and Grinder came to a halt by the stables.

They were met at the door by a giant lady, who introduced themselves as Thrym’s sister. “So this is Freya? This is the most beautiful of the Gods? She doesn’t look like much.” She commented, the maid servant quickly kicking Thor in the shin to quiet any response he may have wished to voice.

“May we get started?” The maid servant asked. “My mistress is dying to meet her husband”

The giant, which was Thrym’s sister, nodded and led them inside. 

The hall was cavernous, with high ceilings and a straw floor. Six trestle tables took up the main space of the room, all the benches already full of the denizens of Jotunheim, and at the far end of the hall, sat upon the dias, was the head table, Thrym, Lord of all the Ogres at its centre.

“Freya! My beautiful Bride, how good it is to see you!” He cried in delight as Thor, in his bridal gown and veil, stepped into the hall, a maid servant at his heels. “Come join me, take your place at my side and we shall feast in celebration of the vows we will take tonight.” His voice boomed across the hall, his words clear to all present. They made their way down the centre aisle and the maid servant bowed before Thrym, Thor inclining his head in reluctant respect.

“It is custom in our land for a chosen maid servant to sit between the bride and her groom during the customary pre-ritual feasting, I hope you can understand this” The maid servant said as she rose. 

“Of course” Thrym sighed as he motioned for them both to join him on the dias and take their seats beside him, and as they did so, a bell rang and the feast began.

Servants hurried out of doorways hidden in the shadowed alcoves that lined the walls of the hall. Some carried platters of salmon, some with whole oxen. Barrels of Ale and Mead were brought in too, so large they had to be carried by two giants each. Trays of fancies and pastries were passed around for the women, and as the last few items were placed on the tables, Thrym stood and cleared his throat.

“We are here today” He started, “to celebrate my marriage to Freya of the Vanir, most beautiful of the Asgardians.” He stopped as the crowd cheered, tankards raised in a raucous toast of congratulations. Thor though, took this lul in his husband-to-be’s speech to mean it was time to eat, and eating is what he did.

Thrym stood there in abashed silence as he watched his future wife tuck in, before blinking and taking his seat with a call for the feast to begin, it would have been rude for him to continue talking while his bride ate. 

Over the next hour, Thor proceeded to eat and drink though:

 . 7 whole Salmon, each the size of a human child of about 5 years old

. 1 whole Oxen

 . 2 trays of Pastries

 . 3 casks of Mead

And despite Loki, in the guise of a maid servant, repeatedly trying to get Thor to stop (elbows in the ribs, a few kicks to his shins under the table, Thor continued to eat.

An eighth Salmon vanished under the bridal vail, and as a skeleton was withdrawn, Thrym finally turned to the maid servant and said “I.. have never seen a woman eat so much, and she has drunk three casks of Mead” 

The maid servant inclined her head. “My mistress hasn’t eaten in eight days and eight nights because of her excitement about marrying you, Lord” She said “Now she is in your presence, she is finally able to eat again, it is so very good to see” Loki, who was the maid servant smiled.

Thrym grinned at that and leaned over the maid servant and reached for Thor, lips pursed, leaning in for a kiss. Thor pushed his chair back, his eyes burning with hatred beneath his vail. Thrym stopped and quickly excused himself, dragging Loki with him. “What… what is wrong with her eyes? They’re… scary”

“They’re burning with passion, Lord. She has not slept in eight days and eight nights thinking of her wedding night” Loki explained and Thrym blushed. 

Seeing the opportunity for some sister-in-law bonding, as Thrym and the maid servant slipped away, Thrym’s sister went and sat at Thor’s side. “My sister!” She cried. “How beautiful your rings are, and your bells! What I would do for jewelry like that. How about you give me sme, as a bride gift! You’re going to need friends here, now hand them over or..”

Thrym and the maid servant returned then, and he looked down at his sister, who quickly returned to her seat. He cleared his throat again and looked to the gathered guests. “Now the feast is over, bring out the gift! Bring out Mjolnir so I can present it to my beautiful wife!”

It took four giants to carry the hammer out, and Loki, who was the maid servant, stifled a chuckle as the short handle of the weapon made it quite comical to watch four trying to handle it. They grumbled and jostled eachother, stepping on toes and tripping over seemingly nothing. After a few tense minutes, they finally made their way up the dias and sat Mjolnir on the table before Thor. 

He grinned and stood, grasping the handle with one hand, and raising his vail with the other. He watched the look of realisation settle on Thrym’s face, then raised the hammer, and in a single stroke, Thrym was dead.

***

As the Giants and Ogres lay dead and scattered around the feast hall, tables and benches unended, food littering the straw covered floor, Loki, back in his true form, emerged from below a table, wiping a splatter of blood from his face. “You could have given me some kind of warning” He said, and stepping over the corpses, they both made their way back to Thor’s chariot, and made their way home, Mjolnir sat in its rightful place at Thor’s side.